Ah... how strange things pan out.
One moment I'm down, next I'm actually thankful.
So I've taken stock of my life, bebetul tengok apa yang kekurangan dalam hidup aku, and guess what. I have so much to be thankful for.
True, that every bad experience teaches me to beware, which is actually a bad taste in my mouth.
But all in all, it teaches me. Life teaches us something if we allow it too. It's a neverending process of learning - and the day you stop learning is the day you die.
So I walk away from the bullshit that I went through with my head held high.
At the end of the day, I am proud of who I am.
I am 34, with a professional career, lucky to be doing what I love for a living, and pada masa yang sama, doing a lot more other things all at once which allows me to indulge in the creative process through a company I co-owned with one of my best friends.
I can support my loving parents, both of whom I cherish, and a doting sister who is the best anyone could have asked for.
I have my extended family in my 'sisters' who are there for me when times get tough (even though those bitches give me drama at times - matilah aku... we all still love each other at the end of the day) and many other friends who are supportive.
Memang aku tidak sempurna. Hidup aku belum sempurna. But what I did, what I have - was all through my own blood, sweat and tears. Syukur pada Tuhan kerana memberikan aku segalanya, walaupun ada saat yang aku terasa lemah dan tidak mampu meneruskan hidup.
For those of my friends who read this blog (yang tak perlu tu tak payah la... buang bandwidth korang je, pastu nak bitter when I write the truth) - thank you too for being there.
Let me introduce you to the real me.
My name is Joe. I am an entertainment journalist, who also runs a company which I co-own with my friend and business partner. I am single by - most of the time by choice, sometimes by sheer stupidity of believing I'm not good enough.
I am caring, passionate, and love music more than you can imagine. Aku jenis mesra, tapi susah nak rapat, kerana aku pilih mereka yang aku mampu percaya.
My negatives are I can see things that go bump in the night, have anger management issues which I've been able to deal with (usually controlling that rage has a physical effect on me and I tremble uncontrollably) and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I say the truth too often which hurts people.
I also have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and a minor case of claustrophobia.
I am proud of my strengths - and even more prouder of being able to recognize my flaws.
I am not perfect.
But I know the difference between right and wrong.
I used to be a very angry person. Now I am just disappointed with the way of the world.
Doesn't mean I will give up.
Every change starts with you. Kalao ko rasakan there is something wrong, mulakan perubahan, dengan merubah diri.
I cannot dispose of idiots and fuckheads who don't have a self-belief system, or wallow in hypocrisy and lies for their own personal benefit - but I can better myself each time.
Success is the best revenge - always.
Let God Almighty judge those who mean harm to me. God the ever merciful is able to forgive.
I'm not God. I'm only human. I can't. I won't. Even if one day I do, I will never forget. You can never truly forget those cuts that are the deepest and the biggest betrayals.
But plotting their downfall brings nothing. I realize that.
So this episode perhaps, is the best pembakar semangat I have to move ahead. I now have a better reason to succeed. Not to prove I'm better than some losers out there. That's already given.
Tapi untuk aku memperbaiki diri sendiri demi masa depan aku, semua yang bergantung pada aku - and simply because I believe that God has given me such gifts in my ability to see and hear things in a different way.
Thank you God for this enlightenment you've given me. Amen.
Ini kali terakhir aku nak tulis pasal sejarah hitam yang sebenarnya siaran ulangan. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
The doors to certain people in my life are closed shut, tapi pintu hati aku masih terbuka pada those who don't mess me, my life, or my family up.
And I wil keep it that way and let go of this episode. No time to waste. Pointless to argue against people who have yet to see the error of their ways. One day they will know the impact of what they did - but that's for them to deal with, not me.
Being human, we are always so blinded by temporary joys, we forget to appreciate what we already have.
Like the saying goes. What you want, and what you need - are very different things.
So kawan-kawan, hari ini, I have reborn. I have a new light guiding me.
They say everyday is a new day - today it is more truer for me than ever.
Thank you, thank you and thank you to everyone out there for your love. Let's bring the balloons out and get the music pumping cause the party is beginning!
I have rediscovered what it means to be alive. I don't need to live a lie or push away the world. I just need to be thankful for everything around me.
Blog entries back to normal after this (motif ramai sorak bosan ngan melodrama minggu ini gituh?)
Until then, here's my song of strength. If any of you went through what I went through, and are looking for strength, listen to this song and go Obama and say - yes, we can! Matilah! Love you folks. Be posting very soon.