It's been a while since aku betul betul merapu meroyan, so here goes.
I was not born with a silver spoon shoved down the back of my throat. I am a nobody.
I work in an industry which is all a smokescreen of illusions - sights and sound that make you believe you know something or someone - to the extent of pledging devotion, despite ignorance behind the reasons why.
I accept I am born without what some would see as privileges.
To me - I am blessed enough without material possessions or status, though some would judge me as 'handicapped' for not having all these things - or not going ape trying to get them.
Yes, I do not lie in saying I value those frills when I can afford them, but the real substance that goes into my appreciation of waking up every day, is knowing that I can be the best of who I can be, without hurting others. To feel good about myself, not because of what I'm wearing or who I'm with. To genuinely try my best to help others in feeling as good as I do - when they don't drag me down.
My goal in life, is to provide for my parents, and be as filial as I can.
Other than that, it's just passing events that fill in the nook and cranny of my life.
Recently, I was alerted to some shit.
My reaction? I laughed it off.
Isn't it amazing how some things just get lost in translation. Or is it delusion?
People talk shit about others when they realize putting down someone else validates their existence. Whether it's material possessions or social status, some just have to find various ways to justify that they are doing their best, despite the blatant lies they keep telling themselves.
Seen that more times than I can remember.
Back to my job, occasionally I get close to people. Not because of who they are as the public perceives them, but because we genuinely get along.
I don't judge my friends. I hold their secrets. And I care for them.
But I am only human.
Like when some who fuck up big time, I try to remain patient. When I am perceived to have made a mistake, I try to take stock and move on by being apologetic sincerely. Whatever is done cannot be undone, and at least, I hope for some to be adults in dealing with my transgressions - as I have dealt with theirs.
Isn't it amazing. Instead I get shit thrown in my face.
To such a person in question, I only ask these things if you really think you are adult enough to talk shit to me.
Who was there when you needed someone, as you were there for me. Travelling 300 kilometers at 3am on a phone call is what friends do.
When things got bad - I was on top of it immediately for every bit of damage control possible to avoid seeing you being hurt.
When people talked shit about you - I tried to make them understand that there was a side of you they never knew - which is what I do for all my friends, even those you didn't like despite not knowing them personally, based on passing judgement from what others said.
I was your emotional crutch, as you have been mine.
I thought of your future, stupidly enough, and advised you accordingly, and did what I could to help that shift, despite you going on with your idle dreams of what you wanted to do that never materializes.
I lied to those around you, for you, because you asked me to, and did what I had to more than my share of times.
I calmed you down when your little seen bitchiness leaks out, and mopped up your bitter sarcasm, so people would never get the wrong idea of you.
So pray tell, what happened? I know you'll be reading this, and frankly yes, I am directing this to you because I have a lot to get off my chest without hoping for the sympathies of others who don't even know what happened.
The point is, what happened, happened. Point is, an apology wasn't enough. Not for you.
And I guess I was unlucky sebab when it happens to someone else, I stepped up jadi orang tengah to avoid things getting nasty. But when I was your target, no one (expectedly) bothered.
You never considered why it was done, and you thought only negative things about why I did. Nothing else mattered. I say, better than being a yes man following you around, saying things you want to hear, and then when something goes wrong wat bodoh je keja - because that is their work.
You don't even know half of what was said that night, and I never said it to avoid hurting both parties, as I was caught in the middle. I did what repairs I could - which was maybe stupid because it was your fucking life, and I had nothing to gain, and unlike your 'entourage' I never intended to.
But biasalah kan. Kau sekarang kan sudah bahagia. Too bad someone forgot who did the foundation work.
Hinanya contractor, buruh kasar yang tolong bina your grand tribute to love kan?
I am so over it.
I thought one day, you would wake up, and think - the friendship was worth saving because of what we went through. But I guess I was wrong.
I can say so many things to be hurtful - and all of them would be true. And you know that too. But I won't. That's not the point of me ranting.
The point of this? To tell you this.
Yes. You were a friend. Yes I did appreciate you. And yes I loved you like family, Yes I wanted the best for you and yes, I felt protective over you. You know that too.
No I wasn't aiming to be part of your high and mighty life. No, I did not intentionally do what I did to piss you off or put you down. No I did not do it to sabotage - what I myself did quietly that made you happy - to finally deserve what everyone looks for - that someone who is everything to each and every one of us.
So you know what...
Like I said before. I am sorry that you thought all those nasty things about me. I am NOT sorry for doing it because while you don't see it as you didn't have a clue what led to it, it was to help you. You might not think so - but since the union is still there, I guess something worked.
If it takes you to hate me for the rest of my life - because I had to do something which I felt was necessary - so be it.
And remember this. You know how my mind works, as I do yours.
So think if you really think all this is really necessary, silakan. Remember we hold each other's secrets - which I have stored away in the back of my mind never to repeat. Unless you want me to.
Like you know me, so do I know you.
You think you can get angry? I can too, you know. Like you, I have emotions too.
On that day, I felt betrayed, misunderstood... not like you would care, because I know your immediate reaction is to ask, what about you.
Well, I didn't ignore you, nor did I not even have the courtesy to talk about it.
Suka hati kaulah.... aku macam ni je.
Ko tanak kawan, ada aku kisah? I take it that we were friends, and I did my best. And God willing kalau satu hari, termakbul setiap doa kau untuk kebahagiaan kau, I share a little bit of that happiness knowing that I knew it was meant to be and that I helped that little bit to open your heart to it.
Lain dari tu... takpe la. I lose nothing.
My only regret? We lost our friendship. But again that was YOUR choice. Not mine.
I keep the messages you sent me. And the ones I sent to you to remind me that. That aku tried talking to you about it and how you cut me off because you were angry.
Takpelah... all the best to you. And hopefully one day, you realize something was not right in your way.
If you still insist you're so right, go ahead. Then I haven't lost anything.
Have a good life remember the most important thing....
Hah! Matilah tetiba. Things are going too good for me to bother about this - but again tu la. Step up and be an adult and not a whiny brat yang selalu dapat apa dia nak.
You'll be a better person.
Dah dah... take what I've said how you want to. Hopefully it'll be with a little maturity. And ta... have a good one.
PS - Pada yang tak berkenaan yang baca, sila abaikan sebagai royanan orang saja nak sakitkan jari taip pepanjang. This is the only time aku nak meroyan bab ni - so malas nak cita pasal ni lagi. Anggap aku ilang my sanity for a moment je. Leave your message at the sound of the beep.
PPS - Adoi! Banyak nya SMS. Matilah Ewah Ewah. Tapi pelik.. kata pemenang dapat RM500. Tak de pon! TV3 sila jawab! Heh!