Saturday, July 17, 2004

Happy birthday to me...

It's strange. Last year was perhaps the happiest birthday I had in my adult life. Sure it wasn't the best ever (not that I can recall any outstanding ones) but it was decent (even if the joy of it was short lived).

I know it's only been hours since my birthday, officially, but I haven't received even one call or SMS. I know wallowing in self pity won't help, but I can't help but feel really sorry for myself.

To make matters worse, I didn't even get a 'Happy Birthday' from my soulmate. It's as if I don't exist anymore. And even worse (if it's possible) I can't forget. I mean three months down the line, it doesn't hurt so much. But when I popped open his pic, I couldn't help but get slightly cloudy vision from the tears welling up in my eyes. I so fucking merindukan...

I tried crying, but the tears were so reluctant to come. It's like squeezing water from stone.

Which I suppose is a pretty fair description. Over the past year, I've hardened myself to emotions, removing myself from being swayed by my petty emotions which used to get out of control.

I exerted control over myself to carry myself in a dignified demeanour which I felt a lot of people were asking me to do. It was a change that I thought was good for me.

Sadly enough, I haven't seen much positive reactions to it. Most poeple don't even realise it. Many think I'm full of crap.

Life can be so lonely, even when you're surrounded by so many others.

I'm just an empty shell at the moment...

PS. To make matters worse, I only caught the end of Nikki's performance, as I got stuck in the fucking traffic to Pandan Indah to watch the show with Ted and Asri. Just my luck. Nikki didn't do as well as I hoped, though she was still above par. SMSed her seven times already. That's RM4.90! Will SMS some more. After all, my life has little meaning but to compliment the lives of others...