Sunday, September 02, 2007

Life... and TV

It's been a weird night. Initially aku spent the return of my trip to Singapore, pondering camna aku nak berdepan ngan Dia after the recent developments that left me... how would you say... f***ed!

Aku sayang dia... aku cintakan dia sangat. Dan aku tau Dia pon sayangkan aku sangat. Unfortunately... no thanks to the ways of the world, things didn't work out. Well, sometimes, someone feels for you, ju7st not as strongly as you do for them. And never, let me repeat NEVER fall for someone who you feel for more than he or she might feel for you.

So what happened? Erm... I got the words I hate the most. Aku abang angkat dia. A term which gets easily abused. Tapi ngan Dia, aku tau, every word of it, is from the heart. So it's not really bad. We're still close. In fact, aku orang dia paling dengar kalao ikutkan.

So why is it a little painful? A little hard to deal with...

Aku pun pening nak pikirkan camna nak berdepan ngan keadaan ini.

So what did I do? Something that a good friend of mine told me not to do. A marathon of Queer As Folk. Five seasons of it.

Isn't it strange that how a TV show can determine your life's direction. Already most of our problems are due to it, since the notion of love has been sculptured by everything we've ever seen.

You know, how magical love is, and how it takes that moment for things to happen... how you'll always have a happy ending and all. Silly right?

I'm one of those people who believe everything they watch. And I did. Every single word of it. Thinking life was going to be a fairytale. And how things will always work out.

So that's why, I felt really screwed at another failure in my life. As you can tell, I don't deal with failure too well. Another result of OCD.

But, strangely while my best friend told me not to watch the Queer As Folk series when depressed as it would make me feel worse than ever, I did. So typical of me to go against everything I'm told.

After a slight marathon, I felt...enlightened.Much difference from yesterday masa aku baru sampai balik dari Singapore aku jumpa Dia. Feeling tak betul, we didn't have a destination, so I drove up straight to Genting. We had a bite, wandered about and talked, in the cold, we hugged...and then we headed back to the reality that was awaiting us.

Today finally, I had a date. With someone I've been meaning to go out with time baru kenal Dia.

I kept putting it off, hoping for that one person to say yes, and for the same of that same person,

I loved Dia enough to move on not to complicated things further.

Tadi aku jumpa Dia ngan orang baru dalam kehidupan dia. It wasn't that hard though I thought it would be. Sebab Dia peluk aku dan cium pipi aku to let me know Dia akan selalu amik berat aku, dan perlukan aku.

And Dia start interrogating my date. "Kalau nak date abang aku kena interview ngan aku dulu". Dia actually said that to my date.

I laughed. And I meant it... it was beautiful. A beautiful moment. Because even though Dia bukan milik aku, at least Dia amik berat aku, enough to accompany my date and talk to my date tuk pastikan dia (my date) tak rasa kurang selesa with the weird situation since I had been honest about it (to my date I mean).

It was easier for me too especially when that person I just met, my date told me something I appreciate so much. Pelik kan...I've shut myself out from the world thinking it would never be the same and how it was so cruel, that I blinded myself to thinking that some things would never change.

In the end, I realised, things only happen if you want them to happen. So sometimes, life sucks. Deal with it. Shovel that shit out of the way and move on. That's always the best you can do.

Until you come to the next horrible patch of crap you're going to undoubtedly encounter.

So how are things? I don't know... we'll just let things go and see it happen. At the moment, however, I don't feel too bad because I'm surrounded people who love me. That's got to count for something, right? I have a feeling my life is experiencing a rebirth of sorts at the moment.