Sunday, August 05, 2007

Everybody hurts

It's 6am when I'm writing this. I've been out for a night, haven't slept, and just checked my mail and everything else online.

I sent a last message to that person to apologise about 24 hours ago, and just tried and explain everything that happened. The madness, salah aku... and what I felt..

I hoped beyond hope that at least, we could be friends.

There was no reply.

And I have been officially deleted from that person's myspace account.

Not the response I hope for... not that I hoped for one.

And not that I really got one except having the last door slammed in my face, to try and salvage apa yang tinggal... but apparently... talk is cheap.

We talk constantly of so many things, but it's easier to talk than live it.

I can deal with losing someone's respect for me... or anything else.

I can deal with losing someone who made me happy for a couple of weeks at least.

But I cannot deal with the fact that my love, can bring so much hate.

And it's been a really long time since I cried. Since I shed any tears. Da lama jadik batu. Susah nak perah airmata.. bukan kebal... tapi da lama jadik kebas, numb to any pain, dan da lama tak sampai nitis air mata kerana seseorang.

It didn't come automatically.

I was just... numb.

I played REM's Everybody Hurts. That's my life for you, there's always a song that defines that moment in my life. And someone, even though everyone keeps telling me not to allow the hurt to take over... it's hard.

And I am hurtng.

A lot.

Didn't expect my friendship to be thrown out like that.

I swallowed my last ounce of pride in trying to explain, and apologise for the mistakes I know I made.

But all I have right now is tears dripping on my laptop as I write the most honest and impromptu entry I have done in a long time.

I started this blog to get over hurt.

And now I've come full circle.

It's bacl to writing about hurt.

BTTB - I know you'll probably... you might read this... and I hope one day, you'll find it in your heart to realise, I do want you at least as a friend in my life.

Very few things make me smile. You did.

Things may not go as I hoped for... but don't throw me out of your life.

I know I hurt you. And you are hurting me too.

Everybody hurts.

How can love incite so much hate.

So much anger.

I don't know. I don't understand this.

All I do know is it hurts.

Beyond belief.

It hurts.

Thank you again for everything. I wish you nothing but the best in your life. I really honestly do.

And no, there is no anger from me. No hate.

The pain is there.

But I suppose that's life. It just my sister always says...."life's a bitch... then you die".

I'm strong. I can get over this. I can forgive.

But why am I crying... may be I need to, before I'm forced to move on.

Goodbye. I hope not forever... but until you can one day forgive me.

I know I hurt you. I hurt now too.

Everybody hurts...