Saturday, November 11, 2006

Oh well...

My heart of stone
Hardened through failure
Shattered though it may be in a million pieces
Remains my monument to you

Matilah sebenarnya aku ada terjumpa this sajak lama aku pernah tulis, which was something along those lines.

Kononnya time tuh, aku try and improve my Bahasa Malaysia ler kan, so aku pun banyak ler tulis what I felt. Aku banyak influenced by Indo writers and the simplicity, tapi powerful use of mundane terms.

Matilah aku sebenarnya nak post it here, tapi Professor Fiebie Lenggang (matilah...cam sedara seseorang je) yang online masa tuh nak jadi reluctant counsellor aku tuk depression aku, yang aku showed this piece of work to, started his linguistic expertise.

Last-last aku give up, and immediately condensed it straight to the point of the whole three para thing to become just one.

It maintains the essence of it, tapi obviously in a medium aku lebih confortable with (matilah tak dapat carut aku sangat).

Anyway...tonight...was just shitty at best.

Aku spend the whole night tunggu 'dia' yang janji...yang katakan ingin bertemu. Tapi not a call...not a word.

At 11pm, I gave up my renewed hopes and had a quick bite, a drive around town to clear my mind.

Now...almost three hours later, I'm still f**ed up. Aku depressed, frustrated. Aku da amik keputusan tamatkan...then aku nyesal sebab kenyataan sayang. Aku nak megalah...memang hati aku mengalah pun... harapan nak jumpa menggunung. Mana tau kan... and ternyata aku dikecewakan agik.

I don't understand so many things right now.

My heart has just been ripped out of my ribcage (if you can get past the fat and cholesterol build up) and thrown on the floor and stomped on (and it's not even kinky sex).

It hurts.

I think I need sleep...it's not going to come easy. Especially since I've finished my prescription of Xanax. Damn...when it rains it pours.


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