Friday, April 21, 2006

Die motherf***ers die!!!

"All old-souls are born at a heart-chakra level of consciousness and therefore have more sensitivity, and less capacity for denial, than other people. In other words, the gift of having access to Truth and Love carries with it the price of greatly increased emotional sensitivity."

I have always considered myself an old soul. Kononnya, very the New Age belief.

Tapi kan...masa aku umur 13 pun, orang kata aku ni smart aleck yang berangan know it all.

Masa time aku 23, aku campur ngan orang in their thirties or fourties sebab aku lebih selesa ngan their level of intelligence.

For some reason...I never felt of myself as really young. When I do things, my vision of things is one that is of deja vu. Seperti aku pernah lakukan apa yang aku lakukan sekarang. And I suppose that turns many people off...

The strange part about that, that most people don't realise is that, I'm sick of it too. It has become more of a curse than anything else.

People think I'm judgemental...people think I'm negative...

All the time, you have a view of things, that is as if you have lived many lifetimes before. In all weirdness kan, if you belief in past life, aku rasa ler...in mine, I must have been this high flying individual person, always the center of attention, yang died young. That's why I think I will never age emotionally.

I was advanced when I was 10 or 20...but when I turn 30, that is possibly my actual emotional age that will never change.

Kenapa aku start discussing myself ni? Sebab for many reasons, I am frustrated that life has thrown me into this physical shell that limits my possibilities.

I know I have been blessed with many things yang I should be thankful for....people I love who love me.

Still...tonight lepas beberapa incidents which I will not share here....sebab for one reason it's all too personal in my mind, and secondly panjang sangat kalau nak cerita kesemuanya...I am fed up with life.

I am sad. I am depressed. And I am tired. I think I may have lived too many lives...and I just want to sleep. I don't want to go through all of this anymore.

I have read much literature on my 'condition' sebab I'm ot sure it's something people around me understand too much as in my life, there have been only a few old souls of my own acquaintance...and they are very much at a loss like I am over the whole she-bang. I remember this piece of poetry aku belajar masa time amik English Literature.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening (Robert Frost)
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

The last part has always been a dark verse for me for some reason. And now years later, I now understand it like I've never done before.

Moving on...to less psychotic, suicidal thoughts.

Korang pernah tak teringat pasal your old school mates. Not even the ones yang masa time sekolah menengah...tapi those masa kindergarten ker....time sekolah rendah ker...

Masa tuh, siap tunggu kredit katanya nak tengok tul tak aku. Tak cam ler nama aku, sebab masa kat sekolah rendah, meka tak panggil aku Joe.

Yes my actual name...Joe, is short for Joseph. Tapi aku masih ingat lagik bebudak sekolah aku mesti massacre nama aku...from Joseph, became Josep, jadi Yosep, jadi Yusop, jadi Ucop...and much more. But actually, memang nama Joseph ni, equivalent dia in Malay is Yusof, so I guess you could say that really is my Malay name.

Anyway, member aku ni, Norhelmy usaha masuk online usha, last-last dapat jumpa blog aku ni.

It's amazing! After bertahun tak jumpa....someone from berbelas tahun lepas in my life, muncul balik. We've been living in the same town, but never bumped into each other.

Apapun...he called me up on Wednesday evening, and we met for a drink.

Stormy and dark...aku head to Shah Alam Section 19 ler nak jumpa si Helmy ni. Aku ingat masa time sekolah dia kicik jer....kuruih.

Mak oi! Bila jumpa!!! Dah ada perut katanya!!! And same height as me, if not slightly taller.

Have I shrunk???

Last-last cerita....sampai almost four hours!!!

Cerita memacam keluar...all the games we played like batang ais krim (main tiup-tiup, siap ada 'king), galah panjang, getah (yes, girly as it sounds, the boys all played it too), batu Seremban (that too), Kunta Kinte (which is what I remember what we used to call Konda Kundi, a game involving sticks and a hole int he ground), marbles...

And the more obscure creations like Tiang...which was using the poles along the walkway and corridors. Something akin to galah panjang. And let's not forget 'Chopping' which is something like dodgeball pakai a speedier bola tennis. Teringat aku kalao aku dapat bola...nahas ler sekor sekor...(very the buli!!!) Rounders...

Aku siap, for the first time in many years, aku teringat this scar I have on my right leg, mana aku penah jatuh and cedera, kena lima ke enam jahitan time darjah enam akibat kena tolak and this big sharp stone pierced through.

We remembered the teachers....cikgu Olga, Puan Padma, Puan Norlaili (who was a real biatch sebab aku asik kena hentam - my fault for bringing stink bombs which I used masa Hari Penyampaian Hadiah and also shooting her with my squirting ring which led to my first caning.

Incidentally she also gave me the nickname Mulut Murai sebab tak henti cakap). Then there was the hippy cikgu Zaman yang bak aku gi hospital masa aku jatuh (pakai Volkswagon punya van ok...very the flower power), cikgu Kamarul (I think that was his name...bau minyak ahtar which masa tu aku panggil sour scream and milk punya smell, time budak maa...)

Ramai lagi...

And the classmates...my God! Me and Helmy ran through our checklist. Yang betul betul aku ingat. Siti Hazniza, class mate aku dari darjah dua ke tiga...tak ingat. Dia ni aku selalu lupa wat homework, masuk kelas kul 7 pagi sebelum bunyi locang, mesti 'pau' dia nak tiru berpuluh soalan Matematik yang aku tak wat. Dia pun genius time sekolah cam aku ok ler...confirm betul.

Then Siti Murni. Orangnya montel, comel, pakai tudung. Selalu kena 'pau' ngan aku pon tuk tiru kerja last minute. Tapi nangis, bila time Siti Hazniza masuk aku mesti amik buku Siti Hazniza, sambil cakap Siti Murni, "Ko bodoh mesti ada salah punya...dia lagik pandai konperm betul". Kejam!!!

Mashalinda (yang aku tau dia keja mana selepas serempak with her a couple of years ago yang dulu ada tanda mosquito bites all over. I used to call her 'Kudis' (kids can be so cruel! tapi skang kulit flawless ok!

There was Fadzli Hashimy, the only other chubby kid apart from me, yang pegang title ultra boy genius and student paling selekeh. Yang aku ingat, dia ni kalao tulis, mesti lidah terjelir.

Baju tak penah tuck in properly, rambut ala feeling sikat tapi messy. Pensil lak pakai, mesti sampai pendek dari jari. Buku latihan mesti messy tanda pensil all over. Tapi genius sampai darjah tiga ke darjah empat da leh lukis peta dunia perfect, siap label negara semua.

Hazrul Hazrin (I think that's how his name was spelt) yang paling kicik. Selalu kena angkat ngan aku kena lambung and diterbalikkan. Comel jerk orangnya, I remember very mousy looking.

Azrul Azmi.

Then there were the twins, yang pompuan Krishnaveni and yang lelaki aku tak ingat nama,

Krishnabala kata si Helmy.

My academic competitor Kalpana, yang memang genius. And the biggest girl in school. You see, when we were between the ages of 7 and 12, pompuan semua lagik besar dari kami. So you never messed with Kalpana. She was the daughter of the resident doktor kat taman perumahan kami, yang klinik pun nama, Klinik Kalpana. And oh, she was also the arm wrestling champion for several years running. Semua bebudak laki pun kalah ngan dia.

And then there was Alicia Yeong Hui She. Eccentric. Yang jenis aku pegi tuisyen ngan dia, leh tetiba dalam panas terik pakai fur coat. Anak lord ler kira, tapi bukan berangan...cuma pelik sikit.

Jeannie Lee, mak dia lak nurse and masuk sekolah menengah dia emigrate ke Hong Kong, tapi ada balik skejap.

Ida O'Hara yang masuk sekolah time darjah tiga, one of the prettiest girls in school yang feeling omputeh, tapi memang paling glamer. Saingan dia my bestfriend and awek cinta monyet aku, Azlina Aziz (yes that is her real name). And also bab gadis cun kat sekolah rendah aku ni, ada Beverly Ann Perreira, kacukan omputeh dan serani. Kawan baik aku dan Azlina, completing the trio of best friends was Mona (this is for real) Lisa. Yeap...tu nama dia...Mona Lisa...serious!!!!

One of my best friends was Jogendren, yang pompuan suka sebab athletic dan ala hero Hindustan. his best friend Suganthan yang brains power nak mampos, tapi kalah kalah markah mesti nangis pas exam.

Isreal (aku tak pasti ejaan betul ke tak) mamat yang putih melepak, rambut kerinting pendek yang pengawas cam aku gak tapi mat smart yang very creative.

Ramachandran who came in later and was one of the kids in my neighbourhood who was kinda nerdy. Together ngan younger brother dia Renganathan, meka berdua ni memang ultra geeks. Beli kereta remote control, dismantle sebab nak motor dia wat door alarm la...tu laa ni laa..very mechanically inclined...but not very cool.

Lim Teck Seng, salah seorang 'cina murtad' cam aku yang perangai cam melayu lak. Pandai main sepak takraw dan suka nyanyi lagu melayu (tapi pelat...tak cam aku...hahahaha)

Yeoh Tiong Hin (one of the other chubby kids in my school yang ganas gak). Kawan baik dia, dan saingan bagik Azlina with me was Sanjeev Singh, mamat perasan hensem (memang flawless jer rambut...ko sentuh rambut dia mati ko kena penyepak).

Skema cam dia si Prakash (aku tak ingat nama penoh dia...but we called him Prakash Padukone sebab time tu, player badminton India tu memang tengah top).

Then budak paling jahat kat sekolah, Jeevan yang kena rotan camna tak penah serik.
Sapa agik aa...erm...Jennifer yang molot cam tandas DBKL, at the age of 9 da maki cikgu b*tch!

Marion, anak Puan Olga yang kawan baik Jennifer and one of the few ugly ducklings.

As you can see, kengkawan yang aku ingat semua multiracial. Because that was hot it was. The world was simpler back then. You didn't have to be politically correct. Member panggil each other the worst racial slurs pun ok jer. Because we never saw each other as a colour. We never saw the differences in race or religion. Things only got complicated when we grew up.

Me and Helmy agreed, the only way we differenciated ourselves was through the classes we were in yang divided into four iaitu Anggerik, mawar, Cempaka dan Dahlia, in that order. Aku kelas Anggerik. Kelas yang paling pandai (it was actually no kelas pandai or bodoh...but our class happened to have the smartest kids) was Anggerik. Tapi kelas tuh ler jugak yang ada setan cam aku.

And we used to fight pun, disebabkan kelas saja.

Innocence was different back then. masuk darjah satu as the guinea pigs for the stupid KBSR system, I had a few months of lesson in Jawi as we sat in kelas agama sebab masa tu takde Pendidikan Moral. No one bising pun...

Aku lari kelas POL bahasa Cina sebab malas nak belajar Mandarin ke Cantonese ke what they were teaching, sebab rasa cukup ler keCinaan aku ngan Hokkien dialect aku yang tiga suku.

Besides I already spoke English and Bahasa Malaysia fluently.

It was the time I grew up on Malay songs, the most premodinant at home being Allayarham Sudirman, and in school Gersang. Siap bebudak perasan sapa Man Bai dan sebagainya. My first song dedicated to Azlina was Suratan Takdir - stupidly enough, bagik lagu tanpa paham lirik...magkuk jamban tul.

BCG was not a problem for me, sebab doktor kata I didn't need any shots sebab aku sihat (yeay!). But masa first time dapat keluar KL tengah malam on the way to Cameron Highlands jakun nak mampos tengok the city lights. Tengok Angkasapuri pun cam tengok something so amazing. At my age now...it just looks like a moldy old building...By the way trip ke Cameron tuh aku sorang je stay up sampai subuh, last last siang meka pegi lawat sana sini, aku tertinggal kat bas sampai the last stop kat taman teh tu baru aku terjaga. What a waste of time. Tak ingat strawberry sapa aku kebas ngaku aku punya sebab nak tunjuk bukti kat family aku gi Cameron....

One permanent fixture about the school was the collection of HUMONGOUS ular sawa or pythons yang pop up here and there...sekali dangling from the overhead bar of the walkway we were walking under.

Keseronokan time ujan awal pagi sampai longkang besar yang kami lintas nak masuk sekolah melimpah ngan air banjir.

So many memories. It all seems so recent. But it was all about 20 years ago.

Me and Helmy recalled so many things.

Right now, dia da pun kahwin (congratulations mate!!!) and dah ada pun cahaya mata. Ni aku nak promote anak dia...comel gila siot!!! Sapa nak amik casting contact aku. Helmy...kang aku rekomen sana sini ek...

Anyway...aku nak call ler..sesapa yang dulu penah sekolah kat Sekolah Rendah Kebangsaan Taman Klang Jaya (sebelom tuh known as Sekolah Rendah Kebangsaan Taman Goodwood) kat Klang, contact ler aku ek. Nombor aku kat sebelah.

Of course I'm calling those from my year ler...so kira lahir 1976 ler. Kira umo skang masuk 30 cam aku gak. Majority of course cam aku dan Helmy deduced were from Jack and Jill kindergarten like him, and La Salle kindergarten like me in Klang.

Kita nak wat reunion...23...24...years after we all met for the first time and maybe 18 or 19 years since most of us have met each other.

I feel all weird after meeting Helmy...sebab that period was one of innocence. Like I said..race and religion didn't matter. Status was immaterial...and everyone was either fun or boring...tu jer yang you were judged. That and the fact sapa ada permainan M.A.S.K, batang ais krim terbanyak atau guli susu....

That slowly disappeared pas aku masuk secondary in Sekolah Menengah Raja Mahadi in Form One...and totally dissipated when I joined ACS Klang. From a multiracial set up...to a school yang semua lepak ikut bangsa. Like the message in Gubra...kalau aku kena lepak ngan only one race...ewww!!! Even if it be my own...

Another thing was the segregation of boys and girls. From a co-ed school masuk boys school...bebudak jantan semua cam jakun tak penah nampak female species which led to the bastardised nature of their behaviour.

Hmphh....getting this feeling or being old and tired again...need to sleep. A short one for now. The longer one will come later....

By the way...kengkawan...I will be in Brunei later today. My flight is 3pm. Ikut rombongan pemenang Anugerah Bintang Popular Berita Harian. Staying in Empire...so sesapa yang kenal...tegur la...and make my day.

Goodnight....not goodbye yet...

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