Monday, January 09, 2006

When I start thinking

Pertama sekali, I really have to share this. Ni kira posting luahan perasaan. My first for 2006 as I deal with the onset of my impending mid life crisis of turning 30!

I know a lot of people tell me (and I also tell folks, though I'm hardly honest about it most of the time), that age is nothing but a number....that you are as young as you feel...that we get better as we age....blah blah blah.

Realitinya, dalam beberapa hari ni saja into the New Year, aku horror at the prospect of turning 30. And it's horrifying sebab I feel not a day over 21 (except for the back pain, the occasional migraine, my bad knee etc)!

I mean, looking back, I don't really have regrets as I think I have done my best. Sadly though, I cannot claim to having achieved even half of my goals I promised myself I would.

I am not going to wallow in depression as I think I haven't done too bad, tapi cam terduduk diam sat to contemplate what went wrong. Is it my fate that I will always be Joe Average, that no matter what I do, my life standards are doomed to be strictly mediocre.

I won't reveal all my goals, sebab kang ada yang kata over ambitious, but I think most of them are like that of other people.

But I am going to work extra hard this year (especially in the next six months before I turn 30, to achieve most of them.

One of my dreams is to diversify myself, and aku rasa one of the things I've been putting off for some time now, finally aku akan buat. Walaupun aku gementar sikit, but I have agreed to an offer nak participate in the staging of this experimental theatre production which was written by a friend, inspired by some of the drama in my life. I don't know whether I can act, but I sure as hell am going to finally do my best. Being onstage is one of the purest artforms to me, and I envy those yang mampu nak be anyone they want to be when the limelight's on them, and I hope to learn the craft, not for fame and fortune, but tuk capai what I've always wanted...to push myself another level further and challenge myself to my fears.

You see...I used to have stage fright, and I did much to conquer that fear. Ada beberapa member tanya, ko leh lakon ke? Jawapan aku, I'm going to try, so I never have any regrets about not giving it a go. After all, courage is not about doing something you're good at, but rather something that challenges you, an endeavour that inspires fear in you.

One more thing I'm going to do this year, is bloody make more money. Bukan tuk diri aku...bukan tuk kemewahan atau kesenangan or anything like that. Tapi tuk pamper my parents with the luxury they deserve. I am not the best son, but I want to give my parents what they've always given to me...the best! And walaupun aku da cuba sedaya upaya setakat ni tuk memberikan apa aku mampu, I think it's just not enough...

Everywhere I look, people are raking it in. Credit where credit is due, a lot of my friends who make way more money than me EARN it by working their ass off. Tapi...entahlah. Like I said, maybe I have a curse of mediocrity that hangs over me and dooms me never to excel more than the average person.

Anyway, that's not going to be an excuse this year, and these past couple of days, aku da pikir masak-masak. There may be a change of career this year...nothing too drastic as I think it will still involve the field of entertainment, sebab industri ni merupakan the soul of my life...but maybe not full time journalism like now. Who knows kan? Kita hanya mampu merancang....Tuhan yang menentukan segala. But I sure as hell am going to make that extra effort, rather than just get down on my news and leave it to divine intervention.

One real resolution I have promised myself this year...is NOT to fall in love. I have wasted too much time, getting to know someone, and to let them to get to know me...sampai it ends up being wasted hours. I mean, don't get me wrong...banyak kenangan manis aku selain yang pahit dari cerita cinta yang pernah mewarnai hidup aku...but I think that I have resigned myself to the fact (several years ago in fact, I realised this...just didn't want to admit it) that I am doomed to spend my life alone. So tahun ni...I doubt ada lah stories for me to share with you about a someone in my life...who knows.Again...kita hanya mampu merancang....

If I sound depressed, maybe to an extent...I have hit an emotional low. Over the past month or so...banyak benda main kat kepala aku pasal several personal problems, but being who I am...I don't dwell on it too much in front of people. I mean, luahkan tu ada pada some of my closest friends...but I suppose in all my simplicity...I am pretty hard to understand too. But if anything...times when tears seem easy...I won't forget to thank God for the little blessings in my life despite my trials...

One of the many things I have to thank for is definitely the few friends I have left after the 'stock clearance' of 2005, mana aku had to reevaluate certain friendships and decided to put them behind me to not be loaded down by what has become liabilities.

By the way...walaupun aku da lama stop drinking (skang social drinker je...tu pun very the jarang), I used to be able to pride myself on holding my liquor. Aritu masa keluar with a few friends, I had one margarita and I actually felt some effects!

Haiyo! Now I KNOW age is definitely doing me in!!! That's one of the few skill I picked up from college gone to waste due to lack of practise. Kalao tak, masa dulu cuti kat Langkawi ke apa...I could polish off a whole bottle of Smirnoff and still be standing and in control!

Harumphh!!! Ok...now lepas that unexplained nature of my rantings about the fragility of my current state of emotional nature...let's move on to what I've been up to this past few days.

Before that, in case anyone was wondering (pada kawan-kawan yang keep in touch by checking on my blog...if you're guessing what the look of the moment is, here's the latest pic of me, masa gi lawat Rudy kat hospital ngan Bad, Muzaffar dan Vernon. Due to my depression, the current look is short, black hair...or otherwise...simply normal (which is not so normal for me). I promised a lot of people when I turn 30, aku takkan colour rambut aku agik...or go for weird hairstyles...and remove all my piercings.

Now? Not sure lah jadi ke tak...Apapun...this look will remain, at least for a while. Kalao nak ubah pun...mungkin bila dekat ngan anugerah apa-apa nanti. Sempat kot tukar imej a few times more (Anugerah Juara Lagu, Anugerah Bintang Popular, Anugerah Industri Muzik) sebelum my 30th birthday...so we'll see whether I stick by that rule I made up for myself.

Let's see, moving on...I told you guys about Anugerah Juara Lagu kan punya PC? Nothing much...cuma cabutan angka giliran persembahan, pengumuman tema malam tu dan sebagainya. Which you will be able to read in the papers lah.

Tapi, the info I think most of you will want is tarikh AJL and venue mana it will be held, so here it is. It will be on February 5th and it will be at the Putra World Trade Centre (seb baik bukan pesta joget lambak kat Stadium Putra agik!!!)

Nothing much happened at that PC, lepas habis, lepak ngan Ning & Co. sat...layan Nikki dan juga Yanie (protege Ning dari Mentor) sat. Kalau nak tahu, Yanie pun nak keluar album soon....Anyway, for those yang minat Nikki dan Yanie, the two 'sisters' are now staying together in KL dan dibawah guidance Ning, serta pengurus Ning, Vernon. Comel tak meka berdua (Nikki dan Yanie ek...bukan Ning dan Vernon...gelak sat!)

Malam tu, keluar jumpa ngan Muzaffar. Dia wanted to go for a charity screening of Sepet, so kali ni, aku lak menyemak tak dijemput.

Reason I wanted to go was to meet Yasmin Ahmad, I mean I've interviewed her a couple of times, and had fun talking to her, tapi tak pernah jumpa dia face to face.

Anyway, it was a fun do (sorry pada yang kenal aku melalui blog tapi aku lak tak cam ek-aku selalu blur kalau keadaan camtu sebab ye lah...aku bukan superstar yang biasa jumpa orang yang kenal kita yang kita lak tak cam). Anyway...I was so tired from running around sebab banyak appointment sampai ngadu ngantuk. Still it was fun because Nani @ Orked was there along with si Ng Choo Seong @ Jason...nice to see they took time off to spend time ngan semua orang.

But I think kudos to Yasmin ler sebab wat charity screening kat GSC MidValley secara diam-diam tanpa kecoh. Tujuan nak raise funds...not a fuss, and she achieved that! Biasalah kalau orang wat charity screening...kalao tak invite satu battalian media...mustahil! You rock Yasmin! And all the best for Gubra!

The embarassing part of the evening, aku mengharapkan ler...versi Sepet yang ditayangkan ni, unedited ke...director's cut. Nyata aku kecewa sebab dia versi VCD release yang kena potong by the old men at the Censorship Board yang takde lives apart from making everyone's miserable by snipping away everything they deemed immoral. Couple that with my fatigue...I would like to officially apologise to every yang dok keliling aku sebab TERTIDUR dan BERDENGKUR dengan teramat kuat!

Malu siot...tapi da takleh control diri. Bak kata Garfield...NAP ATTACK! Muzaffar tension gila babiks ngan aku asik elbow aku je...dengan statement ulangan dia, "Wei...bangun la! Tak kuasa...dengkur punyalah kuat!" Huh! Tunggu...your day will come! Siot je...

On friends, it's time to congratulate Bad yang akhirnya dapat letter of appointment dia for his new post! Hah tengok je pics ni...tunjuk envelope ngan letter tu, and siap opening of the letter masa siang tadi jenguk Astro sat wat keja...time tu serempak ngan Juan yang da lama wat aksi cookies Chipsmore menghilangkan diri sebab kesibukan overdose! Juan ngan aku tunggu ko belanja tau, bang Bad kuar je first gaji. In fact...kira Bloggers United leh ada makan besar la! Tapi member yang jiwang tu, takyah ajak girlpren nak makan skali! Dahlah dia pun lama tak jumpa sebab dok sibuk ngan awek je...(gelak gelak dan gelak lagi!!!)

Anyway masa kat Astro, lalu konti ERA, si Nana tengah tugas. By the way pada meka yang tatau, si Nana ni rajin chat ngan peminat tau masa dia.

Kalau dia on-air tu korang rasa nak sok sek ngan dia, lawat, register dan sertai nana-ke.com! Bukan orang lain ek yang chat on her behalf...dia sendiri gak! Rajin Nana! Seronok layan tengok Nana on-air. Masa tu member Press, si Farihad (congratulations tuko keja mai join the family) dan Zul (peminat Halim Othman - matilah aku kena maki pasni!) pun dok jenguk.

Tengok cam zoo lak...cuma cam wondered which side of the glass yang exhibit dan which side yang visitors (mati lah aku kali kedua kena belasah meka berdua - jadi gelak besar lagi)
Aduh!!! Saliha...panjangnya posting aku ni...ok lah...time to call it quits. Esok ada dua appointment lagi. Ni da lebih 5.30am da...confirm bangun pun da tengahari (tapi kalau jadi...mesti bangun by 10am sebab dua ari da maintain nak wake up awal and earlier slowly...)

Will blog tomorrow (arini) pasal PC Anugerah Bintang Popular yang akan diadakan later this evening. Tapi jangan ler korang mintak aku report event tu. Keja tu...keja bergaji beb! Semua letak blog...abih keja cari makan aku kat paper. (Muahahahaha!!! Lawak bodoh!) Take care guys...I'm off!

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