Thursday, February 10, 2005

Confessions

I've been avoiding talking about this...and it's basically taken up so much of my thoughts that I finally have to put it out there.

Last Friday...I broke up. That you know.

The circumstances leading to it?

Here's the deal.

I got back from Bangkok missing my significant other because it had been almost a week since we last met. Called him several times from Thailand just to find out how my sayang was....venting how much I missed my sayang ...the usual stuff. Things seemed great.

And then the bomb dropped.

When I touched down KLIA, already I was in a foul mood no thanks to a 'friend' who had decided to drag his emotional baggage around and totally spoiling my whole trip in the process. And that stupid self indulgent session threw me on the brink of losing my sanity even to when we arrived back in Kuala Lumpur.

So I decided to haul ass back on my own, leaving that idiot to settle his 'marital' problems on his own. Called my sayang...only to find out my sayang was on his way to his extra job. Somehow it became a full blown argument - no thanks to a lame mobile phone battery which kept crashing, and irritating non commital answers etc.

So when finally, despite being tired out, and waiting for the idiot to finish work at about 4am (that's like fucking 8 hours of waiting) we went for a drink.

Muka dia cam sial - and insisted I drive as well, bringing two separate cars.

Sign of a storm brewing.

Anyway - my sayang kata dia moving further away. Dia refused to deal with the issue of whether we would continue things, or we would go on hiatus. And it just went totally downhill from there.

In the end, thanks to being prepared with a premonition of a break up (I get those - and this one had come almost a week earlier with a depression attack) I offered to break up if our relationship too taxing.

No second guessing. And dia so relaxed after that.

Anyways, to cut a long story short - I found out my sayang had a lot of problems financially dia sembunyikan, and with a long more things on his mind, aku try not justifying things but I sympathise sangat...and in a way I understand how perasaan dia finding it hard to live up to responsibilities.

So I blame fate for seperating us.

Doesn't make it easier though. Since my ex in Jakarta - my sayang has been one of the few comforts in my life...and I know I'm going to find it hard to go on without. Lord help me.

Anyway...I felt lonelier than ever heading home back home at 6am - and I almost absent mindedly called my ex. Yeap, despite it being 5am in Jakarta, dia picked up the phone and had a short chat with me.

It wasn't too awkward since we had already made peace not too long before. And we continued the next day and dia ni such a shoulder to cry on for me (I knew my relationship ngan dia wasn't a mistake).

Also met up an ex on Saturday and had a great screw. This is amazing since we were NOT on talking terms...but I always knew dia ni still had a crush on me - so dia appreciated the fact that I was 'vulnerable' and 'took advantage' of it. So I had my first sex of February!

Now I'm just trying to get past thoughts of my sayang...but God it's hard. Anyway, I'm still trying and it's therapeutic to have written most of it out here.

Anyways....that's all I have to share for tonight.

Promise my blog will be more upbeat after this.

I want to share my experiences in Bangkok - and things I learnt there (including how buying toothpaste will NOT help your room mate avoid bad breath since he is not inclined to oral hygiene).

Till then...

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