Friday, July 09, 2004

Ignorance is bliss

"To each his suff'rings: all are men,
Condemn'd alike to groan,
The tender for another's pain;
Th' unfeeling for his own.
Yet ah! why should they know their fate?
Since sorrow never comes too late,
And happiness too swiftly flies.
Thought would destroy their paradise.
No more; where ignorance is bliss,
'Tis folly to be wise

Thomas Gray (December 26, 1716 - July 30, 1771)
From "Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College"

Yes, that is the stanza where lies the humble beginnings of that that common saying, which is still much used today.

The reason why I quoted that is because I've been feeling fucking mellow the past 24 hours.
This person...which I will neglect to mention the name, has disappointed me. A a good listener, but I should have not believed in the impossibility of immaturity.

Like many others are caught in that cliche, where they waste their insignificant lives happily away without a thought, thinking the world is their oyster. Insignificant, because their main aim to to merely survive, not live it to its fullest.

Shallow and obsessed with all things physical, the alternative lifestyle, to me, at times deserves the mean stereotypes, due to these small minded folks, who fit snugly in the category of self-absorbed and personally twats who are motivated by mere reasons to scrape by and survive each day.

So ignorance is bliss for them as the first two lines say. They waste away, yet unknowing of their fate and what fate has brought them such malady.

The following is more how I feel. Why the fuck should I wallow in the knowledge and insight that I have. And why should I share it with them. They wouldn't care, hence let them live their small pathetic lives, looking for even the smallest validation to make their meaningless existence somehow appear more that it can ever be.

In other words, FUCK ALL YOU BASTARDS! I'm moving on...

Thankfully, I had a nice chat with Nicky, Nicolette, who's in the Malaysian Idol Top 30. It's strange how relating my life to her, in a sort of introduction to the wonderful, whacked, world of moi, has somehow soothed my ruffled feathers.

She was surprised when she found out about me, but we talked about almost two hours (She's in Sabah) about sexuality, religion and the future of such a lifestyle (Actually I talked more and she questioned more).

Nicky reminds me of myself maybe 15 years ago before I discovered the life as a person free with the truth.

Naive, gullible, surprised and yet interested in a way about the strangeness of those who stray from the norm.

And as I take a deep look at myself, I shudder at the withered, beaten, bitter creature I've become, defensive and wary of the pains that await me as I take on the next phase of my life.

In a way, self reflection has rejuvenated me, and I realise that that phrase from that poem, is indeed a choice. I chose to open my eyes to what being gay meant. I took it on. And I'm sure not going to let it get the best of me.

So what if the fucking rest of the world remains fucked in their stupidity. I know what I want. And I know...someday, my waiting will pay off.

Now back to work. I really can't sleep tonight. Too emotionally distressed and too blue to go home and sleep.

PS. Guy's show at Hard Rock Cafe was awesome and better than the last one here. He even did Brian McKnight's Home. Cool!