Thursday, June 17, 2004

Fuck friendship

It's so strange. And fucking frustrating. When a friendship ends, when it blows up in your face, who's responsible for picking up the pieces. I tried to move on losing my best friends, and the loss of my 'sisterhood'.

I mean after all, they don't seem to bloody value my friendship. And they always seem to think I'd bend over backwards for them, which I did. I mean gawddammit! I'm only human! But after it's over and done with...the best of us have troubles holding on.

Memories of good times when friendship prevailed still live on, though our egoes lock it deep inside us, daring them to come out for the fear of the worst. The first half of the year has been ugly for me.

Despite closing 2003 with someone special, and the possible reuniting of my sisterhood's close bonds with another friend which I had not spoken with for give or take, a period of a year, the beginning of 2004, while seemed to bode well, did not.

My soulmate was soon history, though I suppose I know one day we'll be together again, though my hope does not lie in the restraints of just this lifetime. My sisterhood, the most singularly important thing in my life after my family, and before my soulmate, was disbanded for good.

I became the villain for trying to take care of everyone. I was pointed out as the loud, bossy bastard. But it's strange. Authority somehow seems granted to you when you're taking the blows.

In times of hardship, emotional or otherwise, when you're there, you can be acknowledged. But in times of when things are going fine, you'll always be that bossy fucker.

You know what...I give up. I don't want to fight for anyone else anymore. I made a mistake in the past to fight for friends, thinking they'd fight for me when the time came. Boy was I sadly mistaken. When the time came, they turned on me and questioned me instead in my need for survival.

They rationalised and justified.... I just had an argument online on Yahoo! Messenger. Left me feeling more fucking pissed and frustrated than ever before. I don't understand people. Are they that blind to themselves? People always say time will tell...well wake up and smell the fucking java beans, bitch. It's screaming bloody murder!!!

Sigh...just sent in my gossip way too late for Jee's assignment. Have to call Kak Jee up and reschedule. Taking a friend , Putri, a drag queen to check in for the third round of Malaysian Idol at Berjaya Times Square tomorrow.

Gotta meet up with her tonight to discuss preparations together with another friend. I hate when my life gets caught up in all the unnecessary crap people give me. It's just so fucking unfair. I know life is unfair...but in the words of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes....why isn't it ever unfair to my advantage??? Bye blogger...leaving the office...